Choose Love

The main thing that fueled my drug addiction was my insecurity about my weight.  If I could just weigh 120 lbs, then I could love myself; okay, 110; finally, 100.  Each smaller number on the scale encouraged lower self esteem and larger insecurities. There was no magical number that could evoke love for myself.  At 100 lbs I'd never wear a swimsuit without board shorts. I was consumed by the tiny cellulite dimples that lined my upper thighs. I scarcely spent a waking moment that I did not think about my weight which lent perfectly to a meth addiction and eating disorder.

 At 200 lbs, I recklessly avoided thoughts of my appearance, bearing my thighs for the first time since I was a child.  I was still consumed by my weight, but rather than starving myself, I buried my head in the sand and pretended nobody could see my fat if I refused to acknowledge it.

Neither process was healthy; and neither demonstrated love and acceptance for myself.

I don't have a magical plan, but I have found that it's hard not to love myself when I trust in God. I am His creation, and He is perfect. If I have faith in Him and a greater plan, it's easier to accept myself.   If' I'm feeling particularly down on me or fat or ugly or mean, I can typically trace it back to some separation from my Heavenly Father. Did I forget to pray last night? Was I angry at or unforgiving towards another? Finding the answers to these questions helps.  But that doesn't mean that I'm cured of self-doubt.

See, the thing about loving yourself is that it's not a destination... it's simply part of the pathways you choose.  Just as you have to choose to love your spouse, your friends, your significant others repeatedly; so too you have to choose to love yourself again and again. And once you do, that's not the end. Because tomorrow or in five minutes you have to choose to love yourself again.

I imagine it's a lifelong process.  But when I can choose to love myself; I am a better wife, friend, mother, daughter, and sister. And when I choose love, the desire to escape through drugs or starvation or other risky behaviors get suffocated.

It's a win-win.  Choose love!

xoxo
Lenaya