Humility

I wish Larissa could have been with me for the magnificent party/book launch throw by my dearest Janet Hofmann! It was one of the single most humbling experiences of my life.  I was overwhelmed with gratitude about the multitude of loved ones there and not there, seen and unseen, to launch our book and endeavor.  I sold every book I ordered and then went home and ordered more. My single regret is not being braver and ordering more copies to begin with. I should have known. I should have expected that all of my dear wonderful supportive friends and family would show up... because you always do!  Even my sweet husband visited with the swarm of women for over an hour before going home to care for our children.  I was showered with gifts, food, sweet speeches and sentiments while signing books for three full hours. It was surreal. It was marvelous. It was humbling.  I don't know what the future of this book is...heck, I don't know what my own future is.  But I know for certain that it takes a village not only to raise a child, but to be an adult and follow our dreams as well.  It took my village...every step of the way.  Friends here, and in the next life. Friends I see daily, and friends I haven't seen in years. It took all of you.  And I'm certain my dad was there, beaming with pride in his usual fashion.  My life has been rich. I am truly blessed.  I can only hope this book will bless the lives of all who encounter it.  Truly, it was a night to remember; a night for the books; a night of true humility.

xoxoxoxox
Lenaya

The Pathways Home

Today a very real dream came true.  When I saw our book go live on Amazon, I got a little emotional. Brian is out of town, so I called him and left a long message on his phone. Then I called the kids around the computer asking, "Do you see what that is?" "It's your book!" Xiana answered.  Do you see what the website is? "It's Amazon!" She exclaimed. "I can't wait to tell my teacher about it tomorrow!" Then she and Kolton and Argenta (caught up in the excitement) circled me in a hug yelling with joy.  I told them, "You guys, I want you to know how much I appreciate your support and you letting me work on this for all these years. I know that I've spent a lot of time on it, and tonight we will celebrate together with ice cream sundays." More cheering ensued, and then Xiana, ever my sensitive and sweet little girl, wiped a few tears out of her eyes.  I was already very proud of this accomplishment, but that... well that just made it feel like I'd roped the moon.

http://www.amazon.com/Pathways-Home-Memoir-Sisters-Addiction/dp/0692560718/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1447021599&sr=8-1&keywords=the+pathways+home+larissa+cherpeski

Validation

One of my favorite expressions is that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.  There are several things that we as parents can do to safeguard our children from addiction.  This is my second in a few posts intended to share some of the ideas that I use in my work with children and adolescents as well as their parents.

II.

I often come across parents that inadvertently invalidate their children.  This is easy to do, especially when we are stressed or in a hurry.  I catch myself doing this often in the chaos of daily life.  The problem is that when we invalidate our children's feelings, they may come to believe that their negative feelings and emotions are bad.  Emotions are great barometers of changes that we need to make in our life for greater happiness and are necessary!  A cute new movie that depicts the importance of our emotions is "Inside Out."

Let me give an example of a common invalidation that I observe and have often done myself:

Child in tears: "Everyone was being mean at school today.  I'm really mad!"

Parent:  "It wasn't that bad.  You are overreacting.  Calm down."  

This conversation invalidates the child and subtly send the message that the emotions aren't reliable in assessing the world around us.

Here is an example of the same conversation applied to us as adults:

Adult:  "I had a rotten day at work today.  My boss was on a rampage, and I'm really mad about it!"

Friend:  "It wasn't that bad.  You're overreacting.  Calm down."

When we apply this same situation to ourselves it's easier to see how insensitive this conversation can be. 

The important concept to remember is that VALIDATION doesn't equal AGREEMENT!!!!  We are just being empathetic and good listeners to what our children are communicating 
with us.  A validating response by a parent in the same scenario might look like this:

 

Child in tears: "Everyone was being mean at school today.  I'm really mad!"

Parent:  "You sound really upset about your day.  I'm sorry school was so hard today!" 

Once our children feel heard and validated they will be in a better place to start problem solving, if that's what they want.  There is power in simply listening empathically.  It is what keeps me employed.

Vulnerability

I expect that we are days, weeks at the most, away from releasing our book into the world.  I'm incredibly excited as this has been a five year process!!!! But... I'm also incredibly afraid. Not long ago, I was relaying this fear to Larissa... about the potential for people near and far to know so very much about me.  To be so vulnerable.  She led me right then and there to Brene Brown. If you haven't already watcher her Tedtalk on the power of vulnerability, do yourself a favor and watch it here: 

 https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability?language=en

One of my favorite parts is when she says:

"It’s not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.
The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly . . . who at best knows the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.The first time I read this quote, I thought, This is vulnerability. Everything I’ve learned from over a decade of research on vulnerability has taught me this exact lesson. Vulnerability is not knowing victory or defeat, it’s understanding the necessity of both; it’s engaging. It’s being all in."

So after I watched her Ted talk and really thought about all she had to say... so much goodness... so much beauty, I realized that vulnerability might be the most powerful teaching tool in my possession.  Ever since I got sober, I've hoped that all those trials, all the struggle, all that badness could be turned into something good, something powerful, something helpful.  But I have to also acknowledge that only if I open myself up, go all in, accept vulnerability, can I potentially help others avoid my pitfalls.  Brene Brown says we are "hungry for people to admit, 'I made a mistake,'" rather than attempting to show the world how perfect they are.  Well, I assure you that I am not perfect.  And I made plenty of mistakes.  I'm willing to put myself out there, all in, to help others. And honestly, if only one person benefits from this book, the last five years will still be worth it.   

I used to chase any number of escape methods in order to avoid vulnerability. The irony is that I stood to gain the most and be the best me by, instead, embracing the very thing I was running from.  How often in this life is that the case? How often do we run away from the very thing that could most help us? 

I hope you will join me in embracing vulnerability; using it for instruction, for growth, and to be humbled enough to rely on God.  It's a lifelong process....but so far it has made all the difference. 

xoxo

Lenaya

An Ounce of Prevention is Worth a Pound of Cure

One of my favorite expressions is that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.  There are several things that we as parents can do to safeguard our children from addiction.  In my next few posts I intend to share some of the ideas that I use in my work with children and adolescents as well as their parents.

 

I.  One simple tool is to help foster positive self-esteem.  The way that children gain positive self-esteem is by gaining self-mastery.  They can do this by seeing improvement in what they are doing.  Children know their own interests, and they are more likely to master something that they start out liking.  

As parents we can set them up for success by fostering opportunities to grow.  If they love music, we can sign them up for voice or instrument lessons.  (We can barter for lessons with a skill that we have, if the money is too much).  If they like trucks, we can go to the library and find all the books available, go to truck shows, or find a mechanic who would do a personalized field trip.  If they like to draw, we can provide art materials and help them find youtube tutorials.  For animal lovers, we can take them to Petco, to college experimental farms or make friends with people who have animals.  I don't mean to suggest that we have them do everything and burn ourselves out in the process.  What I do mean is that we can observe what they love and help them grow personally by following their interests.  

We all feel better when we are doing what we enjoy and feel that we are making progress.  We can model this same behavior by pursuing our own interests.  In my own life I have gained a lot of joy and satisfactory when I have mastered some new skill.  I learned to play the piano and then organ when I was 31.  I learned how to jog when I was 40.  I taught myself to knit a few years ago, and I love trying out new patterns and different types of yarn.  The options are limitless.  The point is that mastering something that is difficult at first brings us a great deal of happiness.

Stay tuned for the next few "ounces of prevention"!

 

Choose Love

The main thing that fueled my drug addiction was my insecurity about my weight.  If I could just weigh 120 lbs, then I could love myself; okay, 110; finally, 100.  Each smaller number on the scale encouraged lower self esteem and larger insecurities. There was no magical number that could evoke love for myself.  At 100 lbs I'd never wear a swimsuit without board shorts. I was consumed by the tiny cellulite dimples that lined my upper thighs. I scarcely spent a waking moment that I did not think about my weight which lent perfectly to a meth addiction and eating disorder.

 At 200 lbs, I recklessly avoided thoughts of my appearance, bearing my thighs for the first time since I was a child.  I was still consumed by my weight, but rather than starving myself, I buried my head in the sand and pretended nobody could see my fat if I refused to acknowledge it.

Neither process was healthy; and neither demonstrated love and acceptance for myself.

I don't have a magical plan, but I have found that it's hard not to love myself when I trust in God. I am His creation, and He is perfect. If I have faith in Him and a greater plan, it's easier to accept myself.   If' I'm feeling particularly down on me or fat or ugly or mean, I can typically trace it back to some separation from my Heavenly Father. Did I forget to pray last night? Was I angry at or unforgiving towards another? Finding the answers to these questions helps.  But that doesn't mean that I'm cured of self-doubt.

See, the thing about loving yourself is that it's not a destination... it's simply part of the pathways you choose.  Just as you have to choose to love your spouse, your friends, your significant others repeatedly; so too you have to choose to love yourself again and again. And once you do, that's not the end. Because tomorrow or in five minutes you have to choose to love yourself again.

I imagine it's a lifelong process.  But when I can choose to love myself; I am a better wife, friend, mother, daughter, and sister. And when I choose love, the desire to escape through drugs or starvation or other risky behaviors get suffocated.

It's a win-win.  Choose love!

xoxo
Lenaya

Zombies Among Us

 

I work part-time as an outpatient counselor with children and adolescents.  A common irrational fear kids have, which has become a big part of pop culture, is the fear and fascination with zombies.  I used to scoff at the idea and roll my eyes at the ridiculous belief in zombies.  During a conversation with my supervisor, while we were discussing the meth problem in our community, she called the addicts of the world "zombies."  The idea stuck with me, and I truly have come to believe that drug addicts are the living dead, posing as human beings.  Our children have good reason to fear.  Addictions rob people of their humanity.  What initially serves as an escape from emotional pain, stress, responsibility, and guilt, turns into flaxen cords and then into chains.  The seeming solution becomes a trap without an escape route.

Having both lived with and loved an addict as well as worked with families in the same predicament, I believe that we suffer as much as these "zombies."  We have no escape and live through the daily pain and disappointment, fear and frustration, guilt and despair.  My purpose with this blog is to offer encouragement and hope to those struggle with addiction and those who love addicts.  

The process of tempering glass occurs through heating the glass to 1,148 degrees Fahrenheit, well above the temperature to make ordinary glass.  The added heat strengthens the glass.  The pain we experience has the capacity to strengthen us without losing the unique human quality of loving those around us.  We gain a tempered heart that is stronger yet is still able to love the seemingly unlovable.  Learning to love those who struggle with addictions sometimes feels impossible, but we can start where we are at.  When clients feel overwhelmed by huge obstacles in their way, I like to ask them, "How do you eat an elephant?"  Then I provide the answer, "One bite at a time!"  I believe that though figurative zombies walk the earth, love is more prevalent and has the power to help break the chains of addiction and can help us as the bystanders make our own peace with the situation.